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We've seen them on TV and the local playing fields:
overbearing parents so over-involved in their children's
sports that they undermine growth and performance.
Consider the plight of 17-year-old Australian tennis
sensation Jelena Dokic. Not only did officials eject
her father from a Wimbledon warm-up tournament for
shouting at officials, but he was also arrested "for
his own safety" after he laid down in traffic and
jumped on the hood of a car.
Want to hear an even sadder story? Gymnast Dominique
Moceanu became an Olympic gold medallist at the ripe
old age of 14, while ignoring a painful four-inch
stress fracture in her left leg. "Who is looking out
for this child?" ESPN sportswriter Mark Kreidler wondered
at the time. At 17, Moceanu asked a judge to declare
her a legal adult so that she could free herself from
her parents (former gymnasts who had nursed gold-medal
dreams for Dominique since her birth). After a very
public battle, she won the right to choose her own
coaches, control her own money and lead her own life.
Let's not kid ourselves, parental interference isn't
just found at the level of the professional athlete.
In recent years, police had to break up a fistfight
between coaches and parents at a Little League game
for 10-year-olds; one father was accused of beating
another parent to death after a dispute at their sons'
hockey practice. Such violence is "epidemic" and is
turning off many young athletes, says Fred Engh, president
of the National Alliance for Youth Sports and author
of Why Johnny Hates Sports. In fact, approximately
73 percent of children who compete in organized sports
quit by age 13. Many drop out because they say the
pressure from coaches and parents simply takes all
the fun out of playing and competing.
So how can we keep our kids motivated and help them
achieve their sports goals without burning them out?
We need to shift the emphasis from competition and
winning to fun and play, whether we've got a budding
Mia Hamm or Michael Jordan on our hands or a kid who's
happy playing intramural ball. We need to let our
children take the lead in defining their sports commitments.
Our job as parents is to help set healthy limits and
reasonable expectations. While there are no recipes
for creating star athletes, we can nurture elite talent
and promote healthy exercise habits in young people.
- Parents, take a chill pill. Lose the attitude
of winning at all costs. Many children do not enjoy
organized sports because coaches and parents put
too much pressure on winning. Moms and dads with
Olympic dreams must not lose sight of the long-term
reality. Fewer than 1 percent of the children participating
in organized sports today will qualify for any type
of athletic scholarship in college and an even smaller
number of those will go on to professional sports
or the Olympics, according to the National Center
for Educational Statistics. Coaches and parents
who instill a life-long love of fitness and sports
are the real winners.
- Choose the right coach. Providing good
coaching can help children develop the skills and
abilities they need to excel and succeed in sports.
The best coaches are positive and offer lots of
encouragement, emphasizing both skill development
and good sportsmanship. They are organized and set
limits for both players and parents. They do not
chastise or punish players for making mistakes.
Instead, they praise the effort and emphasize fun,
not winning at all costs. Most youth league coaches
are volunteers and have not had professional training
but that doesn't mean you have to put up with a
verbally abusive coach or one who arrives late and
doesn't organize practices. If you end up with one,
try to move your child to another team as soon as
possible. If you can't get a transfer, discuss your
concerns with the coach in a private, non-threatening
conversation.
- Stress success. Be sure your children are
playing at the appropriate level for age and skill
development. Nothing can be more discouraging to
children than playing over their heads. Confidence
is key — especially for girls, who more often express
lower perceptions of physical competence than boys.
Emphasize effort over result. By the same token,
nothing can be more frustrating than playing below
your potential. If your children are highly skilled,
make sure they're challenged on the field or on
the court. If they're playing above their peer level,
find groups that meet their needs. Like the child
who's always the last one picked when teams are
being chosen, a child with the potential to be an
elite athlete deserves special attention and consideration.
There are plenty of resources out there; it's up
to you to take full advantage of them.
- Avoid instant replays. Don't rehash every
detail of the game with your child. Over-analyzing
play can take the fun out of it. And focusing only
on mistakes can backfire: Some kids will do anything
to avoid making another mistake, including not doing
anything at all. Children need to develop their
instincts and learn to trust them. They don't need
to dwell on every misstep. Let the coach provide
feedback during practice when children can readily
make changes.
- Introduce competition at the optimal time.
Some children are ready for competition at an early
age. But from a developmental standpoint, competition
is best introduced in adolescence when children
are more comfortable testing themselves against
others. Most pre-adolescents do not enjoy the competitive
nature of sports. The emphasis in this age group
should be on fun, movement variety, social and skill
development.
- Whose sport is it anyway? Children have
to have the desire within themselves to compete
and excel at sports. Parents cannot force children
to succeed as athletes. The best approach is to
expose kids to a variety of sports. Then let them
choose the sport. Examine your personal motives
for wanting your child to compete. If you are trying
to live vicariously through your child, reassess
what your child wants and needs and put those desires
ahead of your own.
- Be a good sport on the sidelines. Remove
all obscenities from your vocabulary. Never let
your child hear you criticizing the coach or other
players. Let your child know it's not the end of
the world if they lose an important game. It could
be their most important lesson. Parents who shout
obscenities and criticisms embarrass children and
squelch their desires. Keep the sideline comments
positive and encouraging. Refrain from blaming umpires
and referees for "bad" calls. Teach your children
that such judgments are part of the game and must
be overcome. Realize that most of the referees and
umpires are volunteers who provide a service for
your children.
- Keep sports in perspective. Help children
learn to balance sports in their lives. Richard
Williams, father and coach of tennis stars Venus
and Serena Williams, says that he stresses school,
religion and then tennis. Keeping children well
rounded will provide them with the confidence and
skills to respond to the ups and downs in life.
Parents do have an important role to play in helping
support and encourage star athletes. Tiger Woods,
the Williams sisters and Cal Ripken Jr. are all examples
of athletes whose parents helped them develop a love
of their sport and maintained healthy relationships.
While your kids may never become pro athletes or Olympic
stars, you can guide them to a lifelong enjoyment
of sports and physical activity. Then no matter what
the score of their games, they'll be winners!
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